Saturday, November 25, 2000

I'm sure there is somebody there.
I try to write a diary but I never seem to get around to it. I am not sure why I am doing this but I feel that I have to write something somewhere so I can let things go. I do not want people I know to read this but I feel like I would like other people who I have never met and will never meet to read this. I hope that they will like it. I think I have things to say. My name is not Charles Foster, and it's not Charles Foster Kane either, that can be our little joke. I promise to be honest apart from this.

I seem to be coming rather late to weblogs. I read about the practice in a newspaper a few weeks ago and have been curious ever since. I wonder whether many people will read this or whether anyone will read this. I wonder will Charles Foster become famous? Will everyone be asking who is this Charles Foster guy? He is so honest, so real. I think I love him. I'd like that. I think that could be why I am doing this.

I have my doubts over whether that will happen. People might say, what a self absorbed person this faux Charles Foster is. What a fucking idiot. If people want to say that, then that's cool too. There's a part of me that would like that too, I'm not really a big fan of people, except the select few that I like. I tend to take to people fairly well at first when we are thrown together and too gradually think less and less of them. I rarely initiate relationships or friendships because I don't like approaching people and not knowing what is going to happen. I am not very charismatic in appearance or in conversation. I work for an internet portal. I write stuff that appears on the web. I only started my job three weeks ago but I like it. Previously I was in college. I liked that too. I wanted to go away and travel and I was planning on going and then I got offered this job and I took it and then the guy who I was going to go away with is going soon and I feel kindof bad about it, but I think I am doing what is right for me and that is what I always do and I am happy doing that.

When I went to college three and a bit years ago I was very immature. I quickly fell in love. I had no experience of being in a relationship but it was ok and we clicked completely and it was very cool. We had our ups and downs but we stuck it out. The summer before last we went to France together and lived there for three months. That was good but living in each others shadows caused strains. We kindof broke up when we got home but soon enough we were back together. Then on the 21st October Jenny got knocked off her moped by a truck and the truck ran over her head. I was following her on the bus and I came upon the accident and I got off the bus. The ambulance had just left and I should have known what had happened but it seems I am an optimist at heart. I didn't learn that she was dead until after a few hours of sitting on my own in the waiting room in the hospital. When I got home I had to phone people and tell them that Jenny was dead.

There was a big funeral and everyone was very sorry for me and I was very sorry for me. I still am. Since then I have just got on with my life. I drank a bit at the start but not much now. Before I met Jenny I used to spend a lot of time on my own and now I do that again. My friends have been amazing. I never really had friends before. Or knew I had. I don't know how I would have reacted had it been one of my friends who had needed me. It was my college friends who came through for me, along with my family. I am pretty much emotionally cut off from anyone from before college. I am happy with that decision although I can't go back to the place I went to school because I don't even want to see them, which does mean that there is some residue.

Since Jenny died I have not been in any relationships. I get crushes on girls, often very close friends but I just repress them and then move on to the next crush, I know this is not very healthy but then I continue to do it. The latest one is on a girl from college who I used to work with and who I still see every week. We get on fairly well but not well enough for my liking. She has super breasts. Or at least that's what it looks like from outside her clothes. The other day I went to see her when she was working late and I tried to invite myself back to her house but it didn't work. I surprise myself when I say things like that. I am really nervous and I was lying on a couch watching TV with her [its a plush office] but when I finally said it I was all smiling and looking her straight in the eye and coming over all confident. In fact I did feel confident when I was saying it. She seemed all apologetic as she had planned to stay in her friends house all along and that was an able excuse and we went our different ways and I walked for half an hour in the rain to my bustop and then spent another hour on the bus and then drove home and went to bed and slept for six hours before getting back up for work and leaving the house at 7.30 and getting to work at 9.30. that's my life at the moment.

When i grow up I want to be a writer. I am 22 now and I write for a living, but I don't feel like a writer. I may win a travel writing competition around Christmas and head off for three months and keep an online diary [another online diary, but I'll probably lie in that one] and maybe then I will. That is one reason why I didn't go to Korea with Eoin. Another is because going to Korea with Eoin is just something that I don't do. Whoops nearly wrote my name there, must be careful. I plan to write honestly about all my friends and acquaintances here and it wouldn't do to give away my name because I don't want to hurt anybody. That is one of the biggest paradoxes about me, I always try to do what I want and I always try not to hurt anybody. This never works and a lot of the time I end up doing neither. But then I think it is the trying that counts and that this makes me a good person. I know [since the funeral] that people like me and that I have no enemies. People may not look up to me and respect me [although some do] but they dont hate me. That sounds sad but that's me.

I remember a drunken conversation about a year ago with a close friend of mine where she said that she was certain that I would amount to something, that I would be a success. I was fascinated by that comment, and I still am. My Dad always said I could do whatever i set my mind to, but I decided I knew more about the world than my Dad a long time ago. At the time when she said it I was flattered [She was my crush of the time] but I wanted her to explain her comment. She either couldn't or wouldnt. But I didn't believe her. Now I think she was right. Something that has happened in the last twelve months has made me immeasurably more confident. I feel completely sure that it is linked to Jenny's death. I would be a completely different person if she had lived. We would possibly be still together and still inhabiting our own little world, where nobody else really mattered. That was childish. On both our parts. Life is more complex than that. But I suppose now I live in my own little world.

I have always thought of myself as the cleverest person I know. When I was in primary school I was always the smartest in the class and got set different work to the others. I was often cleverer than the teacher although I never really showed it so the teachers didn't dislike me. This did set me apart from my classmates and though we played football together and had fun and all I was still a bit different. I suppose I wanted to be. My family moved house by about ten miles when I was eleven and I stayed in the same school with the same friends but there was another barrier in place. When I got older and people started to go out at weekends and the like I was a bit removed. I could always have stayed in other people's houses but I was not really invited. That helped me to miss out on the getting to know girls intimately thing or shifting as it was called and I drifted further out of it until I got to be about seventeen and started to be go out to pubs and clubs but there was just always something there. then I went to college and you know the rest.

that should do for know. I plan to write lots more so stay tuned. If there is anybody there.